|
“You are so unreasonable!”
“That was a dumb thing to say!”
“Why did you buy that? It’s such a waste of money!”
If you can picture expressing your thoughts and feelings in this manner, you are not alone.
Arguments with friends and loved ones are inevitable. In any meaningful relationship conflicts arise, arguments occur, and feelings are hurt. Very rarely, however, do we focus on one of the most important means for solving conflict—our language and the way we use it to communicate.
“It’s not what you say, but how you say it”. This adage refers to two dimensions of language: the content and the relational. The content of our language simply refers to the subject being discussed, i.e. what is being said. The relational dimension involves how the information is being communicated. If I were to say “you hurt me” to my husband in a coy manner (with eyes down, while fidgeting with the hem of my skirt), it would take on an entirely different meaning than if I were to say it in an aggressive manner (looking him in the eyes with a furrowed brow, while pointing at him with my index finger). In resolving conflict, how we communicate our feelings is equally as important as what we say. Often our emotions overshadow or even eliminate the content of the message. When we are angry and frustrated, all that we sometimes communicate is anger and frustration. We are unable to give even the simplest explanation for how and why we feel the way we do.
That’s confrontation, not conflict resolution. There is a way to resolve conflicts that is simple and efficient. It involves using “I” language, or the “language of responsibility”, and diminishing the use of more common and ineffective “you” forms of communicating. See if you sense the difference between the following declarations:
“It’s difficult when you leave.”
“I am lonely when you leave.”
“It’s such a pain going to Nina’s.”
“I do not enjoy going to Nina’s.”
“It’s hard when you are late.”
“I get frustrated when you are late.”
The “it” statements above do not say enough to help resolve a conflict. They are indirect and easy to use, but are also incomplete. “But”, or “X-but-Y” statements create other barriers in communication. Here are a few examples,
“You’re really nice, but I think we should take a break.”
“Sarah can be sweet, but she is a mean-spirited individual.”
“You do fabulous work, but we really aren’t going to need you anymore.”
In each of these “but” statements, the first thought is cancelled out by the second. The word “but” makes it easier for us to express more difficult thoughts and feelings. By providing a considerate preface to what we really want to say, we are able to communicate with less anxiety. However, using a “but” statement is not an honest, straightforward way of communicating. It sends a mixed message and can confuse the person being addressed.
Asking blunt questions is another common method of indirectly expressing one’s feelings. Instead of saying something like, “I am concerned that this restaurant may be too expensive”, we often ask questions like, “how much do the entrees cost?” Our friends can only guess why we should ask such a question.
A final example involves “you” statements. “You” statements are commonly used in arguments and impose harsh judgment, creating defensive reactions. We are all familiar with “you” statements like,
“You are a slob!”
“You don’t care about me!”
In these instances, the word “you” blames and creates conflict.
“I” language can begin the mending process. When you find yourself in conflict with a friend or loved one, being understood is the best way to resolve the conflict. Here is where communication experts believe “I” language is most beneficial and efficient. “I” statements have five components. They describe a.) the behavior/conflict that has triggered your emotion, b.) your understanding or interpretation of the behavior, c.) the way the behavior makes you feel, d.) the consequences of your feelings, and e.) your future intentions.
This may seem complicated, but it is actually very simple. It requires a little extra thought and a calm mind, two important ingredients in conflict resolution. The five components can be stated in any order, and can exclude the statement of future intent. I will provide you with an example: Your boyfriend or girlfriend comes over to your parent’s house and tells a terribly crude joke. You are embarrassed. Your parents are appalled. You could address your loved one with “you” language by saying “you are so crude!” You could also use a “but” statement like, “you’re a good companion, but very thoughtless”. Using “I” language, however, proves most effective…
“When you make crude jokes in front of my parents (behavior), I become embarrassed (feeling) and worry that my parents will think poorly of you (interpretation). Now I am nervous about what you will say in front of them (consequences). If you continue to tell those kinds of jokes, I am not going to take you to my parents anymore (intentions).”
With practice, this kind of complete, honest, and straightforward communication will become routine. It will reduce defensive reactions in others and allow you to speak fully about matters which usually receive hard or sharp retorts. To effectively resolve conflict, we must keep in mind not only what we communicate but also how we communicate.
|
